Resting upon the floor is a couch, dull, yet timeless in color. It is restrained to that wall. On that gray couch, a lonely shape sits, one who has experienced brief moments of joy, only to be repressed by the affliction that followed. A timeline of events, the happiness forgotten and strife conjured up often. The dead fly on the window sill is all but a decaying figure, it’s life cut to an end. The feeling of bliss in which it felt during its lifetime while flying about carefree, was swept away in a short moment.

Finlay arises from the couch, a mournful object pinned against the white walls, a clear contrast of the dark and the light, the infinity and the now. He shuffles to the window to look outside. The rain excluded itself from the right side of the yard. A frown crosses Finlay’s face as the sky, subdued and with heavy rain, has caused an imbalance in his equilibrium. Being the only person to occupy this house, on days like these he can only sit in solitary . He would often recall his previous years of life where sadness and loneliness was all but a distant thought in his mind and merriment was a lifestyle. The world was in his hand and living without comfort was never a fear of his. He recalls going outside to play with his neighbors until his mother called for him to come inside and getting up early to go to school, something he disliked but learned to appreciate while he was young. Or his tenth birthday when his parents agreed to get him a dog. Those days were good. If only he could return to have a small taste of the joy he felt, but he couldn’t. It had vanished from him. He outstretched his hand to grasp the last bit of it, but it slipped away, turning into a cloud of vapor and he was left with nothing but a feeling of disappointment. 

They say to appreciate childhood because it zooms past. Finlay awoke one day to suddenly realize that the new meaning to his life and his responsibility to the world had only increased in value as time passed. He quickly transitioned from child to adolescent to adult. Dependence became independence and company left his life. He was left on his own, left to keep himself occupied. It was a joy to visit his family, but what about all the other days when Finlay was home alone? He’s an adult, so he should have no problem with that but this is not the case with him.

When Finlay was a young boy he asked his father the meaning of his name. His father responded with, “ Finlay means hero and your middle name Tobias means goodness.”  He loved to spend time with his father. They talked for hours about nothing in particular, just things. Proud of his name, Finlay would march around his house chanting his name. He was a confident child but as he grew, his confidence decreased as he began to discover things about the world that he wished he never knew. He used to feel like he could conquer the world but now he feels like the world is conquering him.

Frightened by the realization about himself, he mulls over the fact that he is no longer a child and that his childhood has come to an end. As a train stops to let off passengers, Finlay had stepped onto a new train immediately following the departure from the first one. 

The rain had dwindled to a light fall and already Finlay began to regain some motivation to continue with his day, rather than lying around like an object, placed in a draw of miscellaneous items. Even in a bare, almost vacant room, he would somehow become lost within it, just as he had become lost in all of his memories; he is unable to distinguish the moments of joy from the misfortune that had inflicted itself upon him as joy would often be followed by misfortune. At some point, the train must stop. That’s common sense. It is not an infinite ride on the same tracks. The train of happiness does not last forever just as the train of sadness does not continue into eternity. 

Finlay’s obsession with Peter Pan as a child became apparently unhealthy, as he would often relate his life to the people and creatures living in Neverland. A place where youthfulness is persistent and time is an unknown concept. He became so consumed in the desire to be a part of that world, that whenever he feels  that his life is chasing him, preparing for the end of him, he would close his eyes and enter this world. It becomes an escape for him to forget everything. All is lost when he enters this world, all concept of time, of his real life. He even possesses a new name and a new persona, one that is contrary to who he is in reality, a friendly energy emerging from his face and a light beaming out of his fingers and toes. Who is he? Not Finlay. He would much rather live in a place like Neverland, a place where he could could retain his youthfulness as long as he stays there and happiness would be all he knows. Instead he is confined to the white walls enclosing him. He feels as though he has been put into a cubicle that he cannot escape. 

Growing up not only presents itself with physical pain, but a sort of emotional pain, one that comes with the longing to return to a pastime that will only be forgotten. Finlay’s desire is so strong that it blocks him from achieving the extensive list of goals he had written down on a large notepad years ago.

But whenever he feels that strong desire for happiness, he closes his eyes and enters Neverland, the creatures wave to him saying, “Hello, Tobias, how are you doing today?”